


Forgetting The Sunshine

by obsessivechild



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe: Married, Alzheimer's Disease, Amnesia, Illnesses, M/M, Major Illness, Memory Loss, References to Illness, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5105240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivechild/pseuds/obsessivechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"It's sweet of you to look after me but really, you can go home now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Phil just smiled as he plumped Dan's pillow and said, "I live here, Dan."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It started with just forgetting the oven was on or forgetting to change his trousers.</p><p>But how do you react when the love of your life doesn't even remember you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgetting The Sunshine

"Morning, Dan," A voice sang out cheerfully and a moment later, the curtains were being pulled open. The bright light that entered the room was a bit too much for Dan who tried to cover his face with the bed covers.

The voice was speaking again. It seemed to be saying, "I made you a cup of tea." 

A cup of tea? Why was this person being so kind? And wait - _who_ was this person?

Dan finally lowered the bed covers to see a man placing the aforementioned cup of tea on the bedside table closest to Dan. The man had messy, grey, morning hair and black glasses on the end of his nose. Dan squinted in confusion as he tried to recognise this apparent stranger.

It wasn't until the man caught his staring and smiled that it came back to him. This was _Phil_. How could he forget _Phil?_

"I'm making bacon and eggs for breakfast," Phil told him, his smile glued to his face, "Do you want to eat it in bed?"

Dan tried to keep the guilt off of his face for seemingly forgetting about Phil's existence and coughed a little, "No, that's okay. I'll get up."

As soon as he made to move, Phil was suddenly next to him with arms outstretched. "Careful. Do you need any help?" Concern edged his voice.

Dan shook his head as he pulled the bed covers off of him. "I'm fine by myself," He muttered. He knew Phil cared for him but it sucked when he needed help for something as simple as standing up.

"You're the old man, anyway," Dan smiled when he was standing. The response he got from Phil was a low chuckle in the back of his throat.

"Yeah, okay then. Come on," Phil held out an arm. Dan immediately narrowed his eyes at the gesture and pushed it away.

The sigh Phil let out just made Dan feel guilty again. "Sorry. I just-" Dan matched Phil's sigh with one of his own.

"I understand," Phil smiled a little and settled for taking Dan's hand in his own instead. Forty years later and Dan still felt butterflies every time Phil laced their fingers together. He was well and truly head over heels.

Phil led him out of their bedroom and into the kitchen. Moving around the house was a lot easier since they had moved into a bungalow a few years ago, when Dan had first been diagnosed.

Dan frowned when they reached the kitchen. "What's that smell?" He asked.

Phil's face was blank for a moment until realisation suddenly hit him and he quickly rushed over to the stove. "Not the eggs!" He groaned, turning down the heat.

Dan couldn't help but giggle and walk over to where Phil was stood, a glum expression on his face. "Did you save them?" Dan asked.

Phil looked at him with hopeful eyes. "I think so. This one's a little burnt though so I'll have it."

Dan rolled his eyes at his considerate husband before lowering himself onto one of the chairs next to the table. His knee was already hurting and all he had done was stand in the kitchen. Fuck old age. _Seriously._

A few minutes later, Phil placed a plate of bacon, eggs and buttered toast in front of him.

"What time do you want to go today?" Phil asked as he sat down next to him, picking up his knife and fork.

Dan pulled his eyebrows together as he tried to think of what Phil was talking about. "What?" He eventually murmured, "Go where?"

Phil stopped and a sad smile overtook his features. He looked down at the table. Dan instantly thought he had done something wrong. "What is it?" He placed a hand over one of Phil's on the table.

"It's uh..." Phil blinked back the tears, "It's Sarah's birthday so we're going over to their house for a little party."

This revelation didn't help. Dan still was in the dark. "Sarah?"

Phil looked up again and sighed quietly. He bit his lip as he thought how to go about this. In the end, he just said, "Sarah. She's Ryan's wife, Dan."

This whole conversation was a mix of things and people Dan didn't know about. He had a feeling they had been through similar conversations like this before and he hated the look Phil always gave him when he questioned him. Phil seemed to be sad a lot lately. Dan couldn't help it though if he didn't know who people were. Although, it did make him angry at himself.

" _Ryan?_ " He was almost shaking with frustration at himself. Why couldn't he place these people?

The reaction Phil gave him from that almost broke Dan's heart. Phil's face dropped massively and tears instantly pricked in his eyes. He'd never reacted like that before.

"I..." He took his hand out from under Dan's and clasped his hands together, "Please don't tell me you can't remember your own son. _Please_ , Dan."

Dan felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "...Son?"

That wasn't the answer Phil had wanted and he placed his hands over his face. "Yes," His voice was slightly muffled, "Our son, Ryan."

Dan's mouth was open. They had a _son?_ Surely he would remember something like that.

"You're wrong," He shook his head slowly.

Phil dropped his hands a little. He couldn't hide the tears making their way down his face. "We have a son," He whispered, "His name is Ryan Tyler Howell-Lester. He's thirty-three. He's married to a lovely woman called Sarah. They have a daughter called Maggie and they're expecting another baby soon."

Dan couldn't even _begin_ to understand what Phil was telling him. He had to be making all of this up.

"Tha-that can't be right," Dan started to stand up.

"Dan-" Phil stood up as well, his hands out.

"No. No!" Dan backed away from the table, "We can't have a son and a _granddaughter!_ I would remember something like that!"

Phil folded his hands together and sniffed loudly, giving up on wiping tears away.

"Please... Dan."

Dan shook his head again and left the room, leaving his untouched breakfast to go cold.

Phil let out a quiet cry of distress and crumpled back down onto his chair. 

Slowly, he pulled his phone out and placed it on the table. After managing to control himself a little, he picked up the phone and put it to his ear.

"Ryan?" He sniffed when the receiver on the other end was picked up, "I uh... We're not coming. I'm sorry."

When his son asked what was wrong, more tears threatened to fall and Phil only just managed hold them in. Eventually, he almost whispered, "It's... It's your father. He's not doing too well this morning."

"Phil?"

Phil looked up to see Dan watching him from the kitchen doorway, confusion etched across his face. 

Phil quickly wiped away the wetness from his eyes and tried to smile at him. "Yes, Dan?"

Dan entered the room a little more and cocked his head to one side.

"When are we going over to Ryan's?"

 

~

 

"Phil!" Dan called from the living room.

Phil, who had been washing the dishes, dropped the sponge and bowl he had in his hands, before rushing to where Dan's voice was coming from.

"Yes?" Phil panted slightly, wiping his soapy hands on his shirt.

Dan looked over and his eyes lit up when he saw him. "It's finally finished," He smiled.

Phil frowned and walked over to him. "What's finished?" He sat down next to Dan on the piano stool.

Dan was beaming at him. "I wrote you a song."

Phil smiled in return. "Dan, you've written me plenty of songs."

"I know but this one's special," Dan said before turning his attention to the piano in front of him.

He stretched his fingers out dramatically before he began, his hands flying across the beautiful instrument.

Phil smiled contently and rested his head on Dan's shoulder.

After a while, Phil closed his eyes and sighed happily. "It's beautiful," He whispered, "What's it called?"

Dan managed to carry on playing as he said, "Sunshine."

The familiar word warmed Phil's heart. Dan often called Phil his sunshine and Dan was Phil's moonlight.

They completed each other.

 

~

 

"I really think you should, you know... He needs to be taken care of by professionals, Dad."

Phil instantly put his guard up. "I can look after him just fine. We've just hit a little bump in the road, that's all."

Ryan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked over to his father who was sat on the sofa, frowning at some show on the TV.

"Maybe we should talk in the kitchen."

Phil wasn't going to give in but he nodded and followed him out of the room.

They'd had this conversation before, many times. It always ended the same way though. Phil always disagreed until Ryan dropped the matter.

"You said it yourself that he's getting worse," Ryan turned to face him when they entered the kitchen.

Phil sighed and looked down. "I know but..." He didn't know what to say.

"It would be better for both of you. I've been doing some research. There are some really nice places in London-"

"Ryan," Phil cut him off, "I know you mean the best, really. But... I can't do that. We're fine the way we are. His memory's been a bit fuzzy lately but he'll get through it. He always does."

Ryan didn't seem too convinced. "Right..." He rubbed the back of his neck again.

The man they had been talking about appeared behind them and coughed a little.

They both turned to face him. A smile instantly warmed Phil's face. "Hey."

Dan frowned at them. "Are you talking about me?"

The smile slowly left Phil's face and he settled for nervous laughter instead. "It's nothing to worry about, Dan."

Dan looked from Phil to Ryan who smiled at him. "You're both coming to the christening on Sunday, right?" He changed the subject to a safer one.

"Of course," Phil beamed, "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

He stopped smiling when he noticed the frown on Dan's face. Phil was starting to recognise the look Dan gave when he couldn't remember something and it was beginning to break Phil's heart that it made a regular appearance more often than it used to.

"Alice's christening, Dan," Phil told him, gently taking his hand, "Ryan's new baby girl."

Ryan's breath hitched up a little. He hated seeing his father like this.

"I'd better get going," He looked down.

Phil's eyes went glassy with sorrow. "I'm sorry," He whispered more to himself than to either of the other two.

Dan frowned again while Ryan shared a look of despair with Phil. He hoped that Phil would come to his senses and get Dan the help he needed but he didn't doubt that Phil would never let anyone else take care of him.

 

~

 

"Oh... Hello," Dan smiled sheepishly at the strange man who had entered his living room.

The man smiled at him sadly and slowly sat down next to Dan on the sofa. "Hi," He whispered.

"Um... Who let you in?" Dan asked. He wasn't too distressed by the stranger who had seemingly walked into his home. He looked harmless.

"It's time for bed, Dan," The man said, standing up again.

Dan frowned and stood up as well. This man couldn't just come into his home and tell him to go to bed. What happened to manners?

He followed the man anyway, to see where this was heading.

The man led him to the bedroom, pulled back the bed covers and turned on the lamp.

Dan stopped in the doorway and watched him.

"Are you a friend of my husband's?" He asked.

The man froze. Dan wondered if he had said the wrong thing because this man seemed upset.

"Are you okay?" Dan walked over to him a bit more.

The man finally turned to face him. He tried to smile but failed miserably. "Just... Get into bed, Dan."

Dan raised an eyebrow but did as he asked. After all, it had been a long day and he was tired.

"I'll get you some water. Sit up."

Dan sat up and watched the man take his pillow.

"It's sweet of you to look after me but really, you can go home now."

Phil just smiled as he plumped Dan's pillow and said, "I live here, Dan."

Dan frowned again and if he didn't already have wrinkles, Phil would have told him to stop. It was a bit late now though.

Phil smiled a little and touched Dan's face hesitantly. Dan focussed his eyes on him and really looked at him to understand who he was.

The pain Phil felt was almost too much to bear as he pulled away and gave Dan back his pillow.

"I'll get you some water," He said quietly before leaving the room.

He really had to hold it together once he was in the kitchen. He was never the emotional type but lately, he had been crying a lot. It wasn't Dan's fault; it was this horrible illness that was slowly taking him away. It was almost getting too much for Phil. Dan was having more bad moments than good lately.

When Phil left the kitchen with two glasses of water, he heard Dan calling, "Phil! _Phil!_ Where are you?!"

Phil almost ran back to the bedroom to see Dan sitting bolt upright and looking around with wide eyes.

"I'm here, Dan! It's alright!" He placed the water on the bedside table and took Dan's face in his hands.

Dan relaxed a little at his touch before pulling him into a hug.

"I thought I'd lost you."

Phil squeezed his eyes shut and hugged him back tightly. "No, Bear..." He whispered, "I'm the one losing you."

 

~

 

The noise of the piano keys woke Phil up. He frowned and looked at the clock next to him. It was twenty past two in the morning.

He grabbed a dressing gown and wrapped it around himself as he made his way out into the living room.

Dan was sat at the piano, attempting to play a tune. He seemed to be getting frustrated with himself though. Every so often, he hit a wrong key and growled at himself.

"Dan," Phil went over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Dan looked up at him with a tear-stained face. "I can't get it right!" He slammed his fist down on the piano keys, creating a shudder of horrible noises.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Phil wrapped his arms around him and stroked his back slowly.

Dan started to cry on his shoulder. "I just wanted to play for you. I know how much you like it," He said between sobs.

Phil swallowed slowly before kissing his best friend on the head. "It's okay, Dan. Try again tomorrow."

 

~

 

Phil was slowly dozing off with The Great British Bakeoff playing in the background. It wasn't as good since the Queen of baking, Mary Berry had passed but they still kept up to date with it.

"Hey," Dan poked him lightly in the ribs.

Phil's eyes fluttered open and he looked at him.

Dan's eyes seemed to contain some form of admiration as he looked at him.

"You remind me of someone," Dan sighed and smiled.

Phil already knew where this was going but he went along with it anyway to make Dan happy. "Who?" He asked.

Dan sat back on the sofa and stared up dreamily at the ceiling.

"When I was younger, I met this boy. He was like no one else I had ever met before. He was older so I felt like I was too immature for him."

Phil smiled at him. He was content just to listen to Dan's rambling as long as Dan didn't get upset.

"He was so nice to me and his laugh was like the sunshine... It was bright and happy. We did everything together. He showed me the world and actually made me think that I was worth something."

"I can't remember much about him. This was years ago, now. I do remember that he made me feel safe and loved. I didn't treat him the way he deserved though. He was too good for me. I.. I was stupid and selfish and let him love me. I wish I could see him again... And say sorry."

Phil listened intently. Dan had never spoken like this before.

"I miss him," Dan's voice was barely audible, "I often wonder what he's doing now."

"What happened to him...?" Phil asked, biting his lip.

Dan looked at him again with glassy eyes.

"I don't know," Dan sniffed, "I lost him. He was better off without me anyway..."

Phil smiled a small smile and placed his hand over Dan's. "That's not true, Dan. Don't worry though. It's okay. I'm sure you'll find him again one day."

"I hope so. I love him."

 

~

 

"Dan! There you are!" Phil ran over to him.

Dan looked up to see him stop next to him and bend over, breathing heavily.

"It's you!" Anger appeared in Dan's eyes, "You broke into my house!"

Phil frowned at him. "No, I didn't. Dan, we live together."

Dan shook his head, stepping backwards slightly. "No," He raised his voice, "I live with my son and my husband. When they get here, I'm calling the police!"

"Dan, please!" Phil begged, reaching for one of his hands.

Dan pulled out of his reach and glared at him. "Leave me _alone!_ "

Phil stopped, tears already falling.

"Just go away!" Dan practically burst into tears as well and shrunk down onto the ground.

A couple of their neighbours were opening their front doors and watching Dan's breakdown. Phil wanted nothing more than to tell them to all mind their own business but he was too focussed on Dan.

Phil leant down next to him. He felt helpless as he watched him sob onto the pavement.

"I need Phil!" Dan yelled, "Phil! Where are you?!"

Hearing that made Phil drop his head until it was against the pavement, tears dropping down next to his hair.

"I'm right here..." He whispered into the ground. It was hopeless though. Dan barely recognised him anymore.

"Just leave me alone!" Dan made a futile attempt to push Phil away from him, "I need Phil!"

Phil looked up again.

The way Dan was glaring at him with both fear and anger hurt Phil to the point where he just wanted to give up.

This wasn't his Dan anymore. His Dan was long gone. A memory.

And this fact was too close to the truth that it pained Phil to even think about it.

"I'm sorry, Dan," He made one last pointless reach out to him only to be batted away in return.

Phil looked at the hand that had been rejected. Full on sobs started formulating out of his chest and he clutched it, trying to find air.

Dan was meanwhile attempting to stand up again but it was impossible with his dodgy knee.

This was what Phil helped him with but _where_ was he?!

Dan called for Phil as this stranger cried in front of him. He was beginning to feel more panic than anger now. What was wrong with this person?

He spotted some of the neighbours watching from across the road.

"Help!" He called to them, waving frantically, "Please help me!"

Phil began wiping his eyes while he wept, his glasses falling onto the pavement beside him. It was pointless to try and subside the crying.

He managed to calm his breathing a little and looked at Dan again.

Dan had tried to crawl away but had injured his knee even more in the process so was just sitting there with tears on his cheeks and distress in his eyes.

"Dan, _please_ , remember," Phil knew there was no point anymore.

Dan shook his head and tried to scramble away again. "Stay away from me!" He called back to him.

As Phil watched the love of his life try to escape from him, he knew he had truly lost him. His Dan was no more.

 

~

 

"Hey, Dad," Ryan hugged his father with one arm as Alice was in his other.

Phil hugged them both before tickling Alice under her chin. "Wow! How big have you gotten?" He grinned at her.

"Hey, watch this," Ryan looked at her, "Hey, Allie, how old are you?"

Alice held up two fingers and squeaked, "Tuh!"

"Good girl!" Ryan kissed her on the cheek.

Maggie started patting Phil's leg until he looked down. "And who do we have here?" He picked her up.

"Me!" Maggie laughed, "And I'm much older than two!"

"How old are you then?" Sarah asked.

Maggie thought hard for a moment before gleefully saying, "Five!"

"That's right!" Phil hugged her, light dancing in his eyes.

When the greetings had ended, the little group started making their way out to the garden.

"How is he?" Ryan asked as Maggie dragged her mother over to look at the flowers.

Phil's smile wavered a little. "They've changed his medication. To uh... To help with his paranoia. He kept thinking one of the nurses was trying to stab him."

Ryan sighed a little. "I hate this," He muttered.

Phil frowned at him.

"I hate seeing him like this," Ryan continued, "That isn't my dad. That's just some confused old man."

Phil looked down and adjusted his glasses.

"I'm sorry, Dad... I just..." Ryan sighed again, not finding the right words.

"I know. It's okay," Phil patted him lightly on the shoulder.

Ryan looked at him with sad eyes. "I can't even imagine how much worse this is for you..." He said quietly.

Phil merely nodded in response. He often got comments like these.

It wasn't that he resented people's sympathy. He just felt like a pity party sometimes and he knew he had a right to mourn but he felt guilty for feeling that way. Dan was still alive. He was still breathing and eating and sleeping. But the thing was, that wasn't Dan; it was just a shell of a broken man.

"I'm sorry, Dad," Ryan repeated.

Phil smiled at him a little. "There's no point in apologising. What's done is done and we can't change that."

"God, I wish we could though," Ryan thought out loud.

Phil wanted nothing more than for that to be true but it wasn't and he was learning to deal with it.

They reached the usual garden table.

A man was sat there, staring at the bees in the nearby tulips.

"Dan," Phil bit his lip uncertainly.

The man looked at them and smiled a little. "Hi," He raised an eyebrow, "What can I do for you lovely gentlemen?" He looked at Alice, "And young lady." He tipped an imaginary hat.

Phil smiled fondly at him while Ryan sighed and sat down at the table next to him.

"Do you remember us?" He asked, sitting Alice down on his lap.

Phil hesitantly stood behind Ryan, watching Dan's movements.

He didn't like it when Ryan straight out asked questions like that. He preferred to approach cautiously so he didn't distress him. Dan was easily alarmed.

Dan pulled his eyebrows together as he thought hard. "I don't think so. Should I?" He eventually answered.

Before either of them could reply, Maggie and Sarah were back. Maggie ran over and practically jumped onto Dan's legs, wrapping her arms around him. "Grandad!" She giggled.

Phil immediately made to move, ready to come to Dan's aid in case he started to panic.

Instead though, he chuckled and hugged the little girl back. "You must have the wrong Grandad," He looked down at her.

Maggie looked up, confused at what he meant. "But you're my Grandad," She stood up properly again.

The silence that settled wasn't comfortable in the slightest.

"Come on, Girls," Ryan stood up when he couldn't take it any longer, "Let's go look at the fishes in the pond."

"Fishies!" Maggie grinned and grabbed her mother's hand.

Ryan handed Alice to Sarah and nodded. Sarah understood and took the girls away.

Ryan paused before placing a hand on Dan's shoulder and squeezing a little. "It was nice seeing you, Dad," His voice cracked a little.

Dan raised an eyebrow in response but nodded, not saying anything.

Ryan wiped his eyes before following the girls.

Phil was left with his ill husband who was watching the bees again.

He silently sat in the chair next to Dan's, unsure of what to say. He noticed Dan's hand on the arm rest next to him and he couldn't help but place his own hand over it.

Dan looked down at their hands before looking at Phil.

Phil waited for some sort of angry remark or even a sharp nudge but neither came.

Instead, Dan smiled and said, "Where have you been? The flowers are beautiful this time of year. We should get some for the garden."

Phil blinked back some tears and laced his fingers through Dan's. "Yeah," He smiled, "We should. What ones would you like?"

"Maybe sunflowers because they remind me of your smile," Dan smiled shyly at Phil.

Phil couldn't resist leaning in and kissing Dan then. Dan kissed him back and smiled against it before they both pulled away.

"Sunflowers, huh?" Phil asked.

Dan nodded. "Yeah. Plus, they would light up the whole garden."

They sat in silence until Phil gestured to the flowers across from them and asked, "What about tulips?"

"Tulips?" Dan frowned, "They're alright, I suppose. I'm not really a fan of flowers." He looked at Phil and his eyes widened a little.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude," He rubbed his forehead with his free hand, "But who are you again?"

Phil sighed and looked back to the flowers. It had been nice while it had lasted.

"It doesn't matter. I love you, Dan."


End file.
